PEACE AND HARMONY IN FAMILY LIFE

By Gurpreet Narang

AN old Chinese proverb puts it rather well: “A family in harmony will prosper in everything.” How true it is. A harmonious family is like a lush garden in which great virtues take birth, flourish and continue to emanate the fragrance of beauty and truth. On the contrary, a disordered family is like a barren land which not only fails to produce anything worthwhile but eventually becomes a burden on the society.

A family in peace and harmony can solve any problem that arises owing to the fact that all members can work in unity to deal with the challenge. On the other hand, a discordant family which is under a continual attack from its own members is unable to handle any crisis.

Building up a great family life need not be a huge task but it certainly requires the constant effort of each of its members. Neil Kurshan, a U.S. Rabbi, puts it rightly: “Family life is not a computer program that runs on its own; it needs continual input from everyone.” Unfortunately, in this increasingly materialistic world, which puts more emphasis on money rather than on good family relationships, the positive 'input' is declining day by day, being replaced by ruthless quarrels, cacophonous clashes and utter chaos.

So a very pertinent question to ask is: what can one do to build up and sustain a great family relationship? How can one cultivate the great virtues that are vital in ensuring peace and harmony in the family? What can we learn from the families who are living joyfully? There are some simple and practical, but often overlooked, secrets of the families that are living in peace and harmony. This nine-point formula of peace and harmony in family life is as follows.

1. Great families priorities relationships over money: The single, most important factor that makes a great family is this: they value relationships over money. That doesn't mean that they don't value money. They may be cautious while handling it or meticulous about managing their property matters, but they don't see it as more important than relationships, for they strongly believe that the well-being of the family is a road to prosperity. “Money is important, but the thing which holds our family together is love and care,” says Jasbir Singh, a Delhi based businessman who is a head of a large, joint family.

2. Acceptance of others: A great family is a family whose members have a big heart and who accept the weakness of other members. It doesn't mean that, for instance, a child who has fallen prey to bad habits is well accepted by the parents. It means that to some extent, the minor glitches in personality of the members are well tolerated by other members.

Salvador Minuchin, U.S. family therapist, observes in an article in Psychology Today that: 'Family values are responsibility towards others, increase of tolerance, compromise, support, flexibility. And essentially the things I call the silent song of life—the continuous process of mutual accommodation without which life is impossible.'

3. Respectfulness and trust: If members of the family don't respect each other or don't speak with each other in a polite manner, then there is a great chance that the family is about to crumble. “In a great family, young and old, men and women, all mutually respect each others,” says Mrs. Verma, a psychologist. She adds “Nothing hurts a relationship more than betraying a trust; so members take extra care of promoting a sense of faith in each other through their actions.”

4. Handle conflicts smoothly: Conflicts are inevitable in a family. Problems do arise but are handled differently by a great family due to the fact that there are no ego conflicts between the members. Every member tries to solve the problem amicably by putting himself or herself in the other's shoes and that usually results in the resolution of all differences.

5. Spend quality time together: Family members of a great family enjoy each other's company and have fun going out for dinners, parties, movies or on vacations.

6. Responsibilities: Needless to say, but members who form a happy family carry out their responsibilities willingly, with utmost care and teach their children the same by doing it themselves. Denis Waitley says it beautifully: “The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

7. Addiction-free: it's absolutely true; a family is a happy family when all its members are addiction-free. The highest priority for an addicted person is the addiction, not the family. A member who is addicted to alcohol, say, is not able to discharge his responsibilities towards his family and ends up ruining it along with himself.

8. Childlike qualities: Here comes the fun part. A great family is a fun loving family where members don't shy away of playing pranks on other members! I know a person who took a birthday cake to his home when there was no one's birthday. They all cut the cake together, sang the birthday song and had a blast after that. Not a bad example to imitate.

9. Spend time together in silence and prayer: Perhaps one of the most effective and least put to practice is this secret of great families, which gives them courage and strength to handle the most adverse of circumstances. Recently married, I went, with my wife, to stay at my in-law's house. I was impressed by their daily habit of praying together (Simran) for a few minutes before retiring. The effect it had on me was indescribable and I soon began to practice it myself.

Perhaps you may find yourself asking what is so special about these principles? It's true they may sound simple, perhaps even naive, but they really have the transformative power once they are put into action. Action alone produces results. Let me share with you a deceptively simple exercise that can do wonders in bringing peace and harmony in family life.

If you hold any grudges against someone in the family, maybe your parents or sisters, simply talk to them, clear them out or send them flowers with a note, telling them that you have forgiven them for everything that has ever happened in the past. In turn, ask for their forgiveness so they too bear no hard feelings towards you. This is perhaps the best thing you can do to renew all your relationship to look forward to having an exciting, vibrant and healthy family life.

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